Saying Goodbye

This post is dedicated to the amazing spirit and life of Bessie Vance, my Memaw and hero.  On Monday before Christmas we traveled to Paris, Texas to say goodbye to Memaw and lay her to rest.  This was the single hardest day of my life thus far.  I never thought it would be so hard to say goodbye to her.  Memaw was one of my best friends; she knew how to make me laugh, feel loved, and comfort me in just the right way when things weren't going my way. She knew the vulnerability of my heart and my secrets that made me, me. Even as I type this I find it so difficult to talk about her in past tense. 

I must say that I always thought losing a loved one would challenge my faith--push me to a place where I just didn't understand.  I, however, feel completely opposite.  In fact, knowing that Memaw has gone to heaven to be with Jesus Christ gives me the motivation and desire to live a life full of Christ so that I might be reunited with her again.  I will miss her everyday for the rest of my life.  I find myself telling stories about her or doing things in the kitchen and wanting to call her and tell her about it.  That's when it hurts a little more. 

I found myself buried with devastation on Christmas Eve, wondering how I would enjoy the holidays without my Memaw.  I wanted this to be special because it would be our first Christmas with Jackson.  That evening I was going through my address book and out slipped a note.  I had no idea what it was, but discovered it was a note from Memaw.  It was exactly what I needed to hear in my time of hurting.  I won't retype it all for this blog, but here's what part of it read:
"We will think of you Ashley where ever you are Christmas.  Out of sight is not out of mind.  Always know you are very special to your Memaw and Pawpaw.  Have a wonderful Christmas and the best New Year you have ever had.  We love you-Memaw and Pawpaw xxooox."

I have hundreds of notes just like these.  I keep them all in a special place.  It was amazing that this note just so happened to find me when I needed it.  We did have a beautiful Christmas and New Years with our precious Jackson-the best one I have ever had.